Commercial Break

I've been trying to write this post for months now.  I've been trying to make it sound like a good story.  The truth is, sometimes life is not what we think of as a good story.  And honestly, this feels more like the commercial break in the middle of an unimportant season of what is usually a very entertaining drama. 

You might call this the "desert" period.  Someone related it to me as culture shock.  Someone else called it difficulty transitioning.  Whatever you call it, it hasn't been easy. 

Classes got really difficult for me during session four, and there was a lot of pressure for me to do well.  The other problem was that a good number of my friends were overwhelmed with another class that took up all of their free time, so I was left alone in a lot of ways.  I would have turned to church, but I haven't met anyone my age at the church I've been going to.  It was my intention to help out with the youth group because I love working with youth, but I haven't been in town enough to do that.  On top of that, I caved about Africa.

I hadn't felt very clear guidance about any particular place in the world, and I tried several things:  I prayed and waited for some kind of revelation.  I marked places on a map.  I talked to advisers.  I went to career guidance.  I prayed for signs.  Finally, I felt like God was giving me the go-ahead with Mozambique.  Everything seemed to be going well.  I was meeting people from the branch, and it was sounding like something I was going to really enjoy. 

And then it hit me like a brick.  All my fears and worries washed over me at once, and I was forced to stop ignoring them.  I called my mom in tears.  I felt trapped and lonely and confused and lost all at once.  She told me to come home and talk to one of my pastors.  So I did.  I talked to him and some other people that have counseled me in the past.  And I realized a few things. 

#1.  Sometimes God gives us direction, but that doesn't mean we're going there today. 

How many years did the Israelites wander the desert headed to the promised land?  How long did Abraham wait knowing that he would have children?  How long did Noah wait for the flood?  How long have we waited for His return?  But God did not waste that time for any of His children.  They grew.  They matured.  They learned to trust Him.  And that’s what I plan to do.

#2.  God is not disappointed in me. 

I felt like saying “Wait!  I’m not ready yet!” but I was overwhelmed with a sense of duty to follow through with my plan because I had told so many people.  I didn’t want to disappoint them.  Or God.  We’re supposed to “press on,” and I felt like I was quitting.  But someone told me (and I didn’t even know I needed to hear it), “Diane, I’m not disappointed in you.  I know you’ll do the right thing.”  And it occurred to me that God is not disappointed either.  He loves me no matter what. 

#3.  I cannot possibly thwart God’s plan. 

One of my biggest fears was that God had planned good works for me to do in Mozambique that would never get done unless I went now.  But Jonah ran head-first in the opposite direction of where God clearly wanted him, and you know what God did?  He put Jonah in his place.  I figure, if God will care enough to use an obstinate man like Jonah, surely He can get me where He needs me if my heart’s desire is truly to follow Him. 

So thank you to all of you who have helped me get to this point.  Your counseling and prayers have been invaluable.  Thank you to those of you who cared enough to want a new blog post.  Thank you to those who put up with my complaining.  Thank you to those who challenged me, encouraged me, and lifted me up constantly.  Thank you to those who gave me the benefit of the doubt and to those who helped me find truth in the most confusing circumstances.  I would love to be able to do the same for you.  If you need prayer or encouragement for anything, send me an email or a facebook post. 

God bless! 
-Diane